Our time here in Fiji is drawing to a close. The end is in sight and I can almost smell that fresh sea breeze at our home in Pauanui. We are so excited to come back and be close to family and friends again, to be part of our church families again and to be able to go to Bunnings! But there is also so much we are afraid of and so many unknowns in our lives – where will we live? What will we do for a job? How will we survive financially when we return? Will the kids fit back in? How will Nivi cope with a new country and a new culture? And things have change in NZ too – we have lost one of our Pastors in Pauanui and so we wonder what church will look like without that wonderful, beautiful woman of God. We also lost an Uncle so our family has changed. People we know have gotten married, had babies, broken up. Lots has gone on in 2 years. Lots has changed.
Our time in Fiji has been so different to what our lives in NZ look like. Things haven’t been super easy for us here. We have struggled with lots of frustrations and we have been broken in many ways. We now bear scars where God has healed our brokenness, but that means that we have changed, grown. We aren’t the same people who left NZ two years ago. There has been a reckoning in our lives that has changed us deeply, that has made us face the really ugly sides of who we are and that has beaten those out of us because we have had to let them go or break completely. By the way, there are still many ugly sides we are working on! We have found, however, that many times we don’t realise they are there until we are in a living situation where they can’t hide behind our nice Sunday faces anymore, and we see how disgustingly selfish and greedy we are. Facing those things has been hard, like really hard, because we all want to see the best in ourselves. We are told to in fact, by our society and culture, and dare I say it, by our churches, who say “You are the best!” “You are powerful!” “You are the most important!” “You are entitled!” and the list goes on. There is nothing wrong with self-confidence and knowing who you are in Christ is extremely important. But it is more important to know WHY you are those things, than it is to know them. Is it because of you? Because of what you have done? Paul says in Romans 7:18 “For I know that nothing good dwells in me…in my flesh”. All the good stuff comes from God right? So why are we so boastful about it? It’s not ours to take credit for! When you realise that lurking just under your best is your worst, that is a humbling experience. So many times over these past 2 years, I have had to say to God “This is so gross and I am so ashamed that I have cultivated this in myself. Please help me to dig it out and replace it with something beautiful.” And as for our marriage, it has become so much stronger because we have seen each other facing those ugly giants and witnessed a change in the other person when they have handed them over to God. It’s been so good for us and we now admire each other on a way deeper level than we used to. But how will we fit back into NZ culture? We can’t just force ourselves to put on those old clothes and expect to feel comfortable anymore. We’ve lost weight (maybe even literally!) And our kids – oh man, our kids! They have changed so much too. They have developed hearts that are so big and so loving towards others. We were sitting in church one Sunday and Maia’s wee friend Joshua was playing the tambourine up the front of church, and I looked down at Maia and noticed she was crying. “What’s wrong baby?” I asked her. “Josh is just so happy, look at his face” she said and then cried tears of joy to see her friend happily worshipping the Lord. My kids are affected by things and they see a world that isn’t fair and just and they see lives that actually suck, and their response every time is “They need Jesus”. Will that change when they once again are surrounded by material possessions and friends who don’t understand those things and don’t even really care? How can we keep that perspective real for them? There is lots of unknowns in our future. There is a lot to be afraid for and a lot of answers I just don’t have. But as I was writing this, I stumbled across a verse in Philippians which jumped out at me and is a fitting verse for me to hold close to my heart over the next few months. It’s in Philippians 4:9 and it says “Whatever you have learned or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you”. If we keep living out our faith and putting into practice all those things we have been learning here and seeing here, God and His perfect peace will be with us every step of the way. And for now, that is all I need to know.
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